I am writing this one not necessarily because I want to but more so due to the fact I feel I have to. Also I feel I should. I can see things going on in several of my friend's lives where they aren't happy or they feel depressed. Life can be pretty crappy I know but let me share my story from my life that might help you all.
Most of you know I personally went through a rough time back in February, with the worst lasting until April. For those of you who don't, I was going through a tough time due to a break-up. I am not really here to talk about that but more so the effects of it.
After it happened I got pretty down about myself and life in general. If you have read my past few posts you would know that I can be extremely hard on myself for the way things turn out. This situation was no different. I could barely bring myself to get out of bed most days and I really didn't want to see anyone or do anything. Luckily I was surrounded by good friends and no matter how much I wanted to be alone I had a best friend living in the same room as me. That was something that was pretty key. They all knew what I was going through but it took awhile for people to realize how down I was but that will come soon. It was pretty cool that no matter how much I resisted at times my friends still dragged me out of bed. Whether it was to play our usual Super Smash Bros. or to just walk around campus at midnight. Though with all that being said, those things never actually helped my situations as they were more of an escape than a solution. I think that was the biggest thing that I had wrong, I never addressed my personal issues. I was so glad to just play video games or drink rather than deal with my thoughts. The thing is that at night or during down time, those thoughts are everywhere. It really got to the point where I was over-analyzing pretty much every aspect of my life.
I started to look back on past mistakes that had yet to catch up to me. These past three years I had moved so fast from place to place that I never had a rest. Things were always changing and I was moving along with them. I never sat down and thought about all the changes. During this time I thought about all the people that I had let down and all the people that were absent from my life. The way I was looking at it was how I was the common denominator. There were so many different people but ultimately I was the common factor and that was clearly the reason they all left. I couldn't help but blame myself for lost friendships that I know will never return. It was a lot to catch up and a lot to deal with. Stupid? Well I know that now but it was very much different back then.
Another thing I began to struggle with is who I actually was and who I felt I was suppose to be. It is something I feel everyone deals with at some point in their life. I felt like I wasn't turning out or wasn't actually who everyone thought I was. I felt like I was suppose to be someone who people came to for advice (which they did) and someone who was just always happy and with a smile on my face. Then I looked at where I was and I didn't feel like either of those things. I remember one of my friends messaged me one day and asked how I got over the break-up and how I didn't get depressed because he was now struggling after a breakup. All I could think to myself was how little he knew, he probably didn't realize the state I was in. What could I do? Tell him the truth? But then what hope would he have? I didn't want to give him the wrong advice and have that lead him to pain. I always felt like I had to know every solution to every problem. I can be right but I will be the first to tell you I do not have life figured out. Not in the slightest. Especially a few months ago. With all that I struggled with the expectations of just society in general. I mean if you flunk out of college or even struggle a bit it seems you are looked down on. My grades in the second semester started to slip as I could barely focus on school but that just made it worse as it played into the whole expectation thing. I was raised in an amazing environment. I had great family, friends and education. I have two older brothers who were born in the same environment and look at them. They were off and doing great things. Yet I barely made it by my freshmen year. "My life's become this tightrope act
One wrong step, I'm off the edge." That quote describes exactly how I felt. I felt that I could easily slip up and disappoint everyone. I could fail my classes and be forced to leave college and stay home. I felt like I had these shoes to fill and these things I had to achieve that were just standard. Yet I was struggling to get by.
These thoughts of failure and disappoint really started to add up over time. I became introspective and I looked at every part of myself and I felt disappointed. In reality most of those things weren't bad but I was in that mindset where I just blamed myself. As I write this on July 7th I could easily tell you how I am probably the greatest thing to come out of Sicklerville but I wouldn't of said that on March 23rd. I picked that day for a specific reason. It was probably the lowest point I had ever gotten to in my life. I worked that day as it was a Saturday and I worked right in Center City at The National Constitution Center. It was a really slow day so I had just my thoughts to myself along with sleepy eyes as I couldn't sleep the night before or really any night before that. Everything caught up to me. Everything bad I ever felt was there today, every bad memory is what I was thinking about. I got off work at 5. I didn't go and get on the subway to head back to my dorm. Instead I walked East. I walked north a block right from work and I headed East. I doubt I described it well enough for you to know where I was but I ended up about 135 feet in the air. I was standing on Ben Franklin Bridge. I didn't randomly end up there either, I guess you could say I had a reason. Everything added up and I was tired of the stress, the sleepless nights and the constant nagging of letting everyone down. I was just so tired. I was tired of giving my all in things and to have nothing returned. Yes I make mistakes, yes I regret things but that doesn't mean I didn't care about anything or anyone. I just kind of wanted to jump. It wasn't like a "I hate everyone and this world" kind of thing. It was more I just was tired of everything and I didn't want to hurt anyone further. It was kind of like what I talked about in a few posts ago with the "timebomb" idea. I felt like I was Hazel Grace. I felt like at any minute I could slip up and disappoint everyone. I figured if anything I could do it on my own terms and at least people would know I wanted it. Well that was my logic at the time I guess. I will be the first to tell you now though that suicide is the stupidest thing anyone could do, I completely understand why people would want to but it is selfish. I knew it was selfish at the time too but I was just fed up with being un-selfish because what did I have to show for it all? I sat there for quite some time just thinking about everything. I stared down. I looked at the Philly skyline, I looked across the river to my home state. I thought about everything. Clearly I stepped down and went home. It wasn't easy. I didn't really want to die though, like I said I was just tired of everything.
It was stupid and I hate to admit I ever even thought about it. No one put me in that situation but myself. Things really started to change for me only two weeks later. I remember I went to three concerts that weekend. The first one I went to was really what hit home. I went to see Real Friends and Major League with a friend of mine. Their songs in general are songs I love and that I relate to. Just hearing them live was a great pick me up in itself. Though when Real Friends came out onto stage they played a song or two but then the lead singer just stopped. He looked into the crowd and said "Hey guys, I know it may not look like it now but things get better. They really do." Like that is such a bland statement that many people said to me before. Though that night it really struck home. The same guy that I listen to on my iPod and that I paid money to see was telling me it.
The next weekend was my birthday! Woo! I went home to visit my family which was nice but I still felt off. I had not been home to clear out my room so I get home and everything reminds me of my past. Like my own home that I have lived in for 19 years, didn't feel like home. It just felt like another house on some street. Needless to say I got rid of everything and started to rebuild my memories. It became easy to not dwell on something you don't remember. As April went on I really started to feel better, Spring was upon us and I was enjoying college to the fullest. I was with some great friends. I really started to set time aside for myself to do the things I wanted to do. I started to read and write more, learning guitar and running. I stopped relying on other people to hold me up. I stopped dodging my thoughts and fixed them. Long story short, it gets better. I got better.
I never really like to talk about this at all. A few people know to the extent of this. Others this will be the first time you hear about. I wanted to put this story out there to help anyone else. I still have people asking me for advice on life and how to stay happy. Even the other day my friend asked me to tell him in person but I dipped and dodged his questions for awhile. Then I gave a half-assed description of it all. I felt bad because I know he needed me to come through and I couldn't bring myself to go in-depth with it all. As always it is much easier to just type it out and put it out there. I am a pretty average guy by all standards I guess so if that shows anything, if I got over it I am pretty sure anyone can.
"We live in a world where we want everything to be happy to such an
extent we are willing to ignore sadness and pretend all is good"- Landon Donovan
See soccer players can say somewhat deep things? I think his quote shows my biggest problem. I was so ready to sweep things under the rug and pretend I was okay because I felt like I had to be happy. I was forcing myself to be happy but "It's not about forcing happiness, it's about not letting sadness win." I could honestly sit here and quote The Wonder Years for hours and how they apply to me. Though this post is already long. I don't think it needs to be much longer. I want to part saying I am over this, I am over the past. I am doing better and things get better. I still am dealing with things right now as I write this paragraph at 2AM on July 8th. There is nothing more I hate than things I can't change. I have come to accept that though, that I can't change everything. People make their own decisions. They live their own lives. If they don't want me, well that is that. I already am losing another friend due to the way life is heading. I will probably meet and lose many more. I don't think I have gone numb in my feelings but it is kind of hard to tell I guess. Either way this is something I am over so lets not make a big deal out of this story. It is over and this is for anyone who needs it. Don't worry if you break once it awhile, everyone does. Everyone will learn how to put themselves back together. The first time is always the hardest.
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