Good Grief

Everybody loses someone in some way, shape or form and that is just a fact of life. I have had several people walk out on me, most of them I am 200% happy they are gone but some sting whether it is a friend or a family member. Well for me the regret takes the form of missed chances and someone I almost forgot but it is too late to do anything about it. The other day I visited my Grandpop's grave who was buried after he passed away on Veteran's Day in 2011, so almost a year and a half ago. This is the first time I had visited since he was initially buried there, I had told myself I would go out there for his birthday and the one year anniversary of his death (Would those even be called anniversaries? I am not celebrating anything) but I guess I never made room nor did I actually want to go. Which I find weird because I was never really close with my Grandpop while he was around, we still had our memories but it seemed as I grew older the less I saw of him. I use to help my Mother clean his house years ago and we use to still see him randomly when we would go out to eat but that became less and less frequent as I grew up. I mean I could easily blame my environment and ask why did no one invite him anywhere but honestly why the fuck didn't I? Why wasn't I a better grandson and go out and visit him? Those things never crossed my mind while he was still around but it became the classic case of you want what you  can't have. As he passed away those are the things I started to ask myself. I think the hardest thing about it was visiting him while he was in the hospital because you could tell he was happy to see me. He was unable to speak at the time but he grabbed my hand which is something he didn't do to anyone else in the room. Which just struck as like why me? Why my hand? Why not your daughters? It was kind of just a moment where I realized what I meant to him but also a moment where I realized I let someone who cared about me question whether or not I truly cared about him. You could say well you where there while he was in the hospital so that proves you care but it shouldn't take someone to be hospitalized for you to show you care.

I visited him on Friday and I guess it was suiting that it was raining that day. It was a bit weird going there considering how long it had been since I last visited him and how different my life was. I sat there and caught him up on my life, what I had accomplished and where I was going. Or I talked to myself, whichever you choose to believe. I brought some pennies and left them on a bench that was dedicated to him as he use to collect them, he had a collection on that bench from other family members leaving them as well. It was weird but it was nice that I finally visited his grave after so long but it is still hard to shake the feeling of missed chances and a missed relationship.

All these thoughts aren't anything new to me and they are something I have been juggling since he passed away. I like to think it helped change me to be a better person, to someone who is less selfish. Now I like to think I am someone that takes care of my friends and family, as someone who lets others know how much they mean to me by just being there for them. It is hard  going away to college and keeping up on staying close with all my friends and family who aren't as easy to contact or see anymore. I like to think that in the past year or so I have really grown closer to my family. I know I will actually go out to eat with my grandmother when she asks me and not just when I went to, I like to think I have started to do things to help out my parents more rather than just for myself. I would try and help my brothers but let us be honest here, Tom is a lost cause and Frank doesn't need any help.

Either way this isn't something I dwell on or lose sleep on as it happened and there is nothing I can really do about it. I have taken what I feel I should of from the situation and I have applied to to make myself a better person. I will always wish I was closer with him but that won't happen so now I will just make sure that I don't have the feeling of missed chances again when someone leaves. The message is pretty simple, take care and don't forget about the people that care about and love you. One day if they leave by choice or for reasons you can't change you might regret it.

Lastly the picture above is my Grandpop while he was in the US Army. Probably about to run over some damn commies.