5...4...3...2...1...

"Time bomb ticking and it's ready to blow,
I know that any given moment that it's set to explode"

Those are lyrics from the song Arrows Crossed by Major League. I feel they are simple enough and straight to the point of what I want to get at. It also plays into a certain idea from a book that I read a few weeks ago but also wrote about on here, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green.

Have you ever just looked at a situation, no matter what it is, and you just know that no matter what you are going to get the short end of the stick? For example you know you have a huge test coming up for a class you are already expecting to fail. You take the test and that is it, you know you are screwed even though you studied really hard. Now you are going to have to take a summer class, get a job to help pay for it, probably starting selling drugs as the job isn't paying enough, then you end up doing the drugs yourself, eventually you are caught and arrested then finally you are released and forced to live in a van down by the river. So kids, make sure you don't fail your test.

When I was reading The Fault In Our Stars the main character, Hazel Grace, was battling cancer all throughout the book. There comes a time where she becomes extremely frustrated with herself and her condition and considers herself a "time-bomb". She feels bad because her time on this earth, all she was doing was building up people until she "exploded" or, to simply put it, died. When she died she would cause countless amounts of pain to her parents and the boy she loved at the time, Augustus. Which is quite depressing when you look at it because as much as her parents did not want to admit, you and I know it is true.

Now I can't say I have been in Hazel's situation where I would be the one "exploding" but it always seems I am where Augustus is standing. It is pretty easy to tell, after four years of high school and a year of college, when things are about to go south. I have been apart of several different groups of friends and seen many many situations unfold before. Now I am not saying I can predict most outcomes or I am a social guru but I have been right about most things in the past 4-5 months about dealings with certain people and even the advice I have given to others. It probably seems at times that I am so realistic that it comes off pessimistic. I attribute that to the fact that humans suck rather than me being pessimistic. I can see the way things are now, I can compare them to how they were a month ago, hell even a few days ago at times and it is quite easy to realize that I am stuck in a no-win situation. Though when you realize you are there, I find it best to ride it out and enjoy it because either way you will lose whatever it is. I feel half of these situations are created from having too high expectations for yourself or the situation, which is something I do more than I like to admit. I always give the advice of keeping expectations low for good reason but you should always do as I say, not as I do. It is easy to give advice but when you are actually in a situation, feelings are hard to ignore. Well for me at least. Though Augustus seems to agree. "That's the thing about pain,' Augustus said, and then glanced back at me. 'It demands to be felt."

I have been on a real Transit kick lately so here is my favorite song by them with lyrics that are a bit fitting to me. Definitely give this song and the rest of their stuff a listen!

"It kills you to know that this world, it owes you nothing.

So just forget what you’re expecting. You’ll find half what you deserve."

I also renamed the blog because I want to expand more and having to relate everything to one show made it hard. Deal with it. You can still expect them to pop up though.

I met a "Celebrity" but I use that term loosely.

So I am sure everyone reading this has heard of Amanda Bynes not only due to her recent antics but to her show we watched as kids. Or well at least I did... Though as a kid I never thought I would meet someone who I saw on TV but today I did and well it wasn't what I expected.

Wednesday was like every other day of work, a long eight hour shift where I try to keep myself entertained. Usually it results in me sending out mass Snapchats but now are starting to become Vines. As always nothing happened all day as I was at one of the least exciting posts. I was on the lobby level, watching the doors to the outside deck/garden area and making sure everyone who went out there were guests of the hotel. Nothing really happened aside from one homeless guy, who smelled like dog piss, that I had to sit down and wait for my manager to come and escort him off the property. Other than that all I did was have small talk with random guests and just waited for my shift to come to a close.

All is normal but eventually I see a lady get off the escalators and walk down the hallway heading towards the hotel lobby. As I see her take a few steps off I immediately recognize her. Not as a celebrity but as the lady I have seen here since Friday who looks and acts like she is on drugs. She never caused any problems in my dealings with her and I never took a close look. She had long blonde hair but almost looked fake and wore large sunglasses despite it being like 10:00pm. It was weird but I was in Atlantic City, there are a lot of weird people. Only a few steps off the escalator she drops something and doesn't notice so being the great security guard I am I call out "Mam! You dropped something!" Simple. End of story right? You would think she picks it up and leaves. NOPE. She straight up stares at me. Like dead frozen in the middle of the walkway. It was probably only a few seconds but it felt like five minutes of her just looking at me. I was extremely confused. Eventually she turned around and picked up whatever it was that she dropped, seemed like a jacket of some sort. Then she walks over to me and lowers her glasses a bit and says "How did you know it was me?!?" but in a very low voice like she didn't want anyone to hear. The only thing that is really going through my head is just like "What the fuck is she talking about?" but obviously I was working so I couldn't say that. I just respond with an "Excuse me?" but politely obviously. She then takes her glasses completely off and says "How did  you know it was me Amanda?!?"

At that point it all clicked. I recognized her face and I remember reading in the news about her attacking someone who tried to take a picture of her in Atlantic City. There were also two girls probably in their mid-twenties who kept asking me if I saw her yet. I am in shock Amanda Bynes is standing in front of me. Not only that but in the way I figured out it was her. I would have NEVER guessed it was her until she said it. Now PLEASE someone tell me how me letting her know she dropped something results in me knowing who exactly she is. I am clueless so please feel free to hit me with your theories. Now she gets quite nervous and angry I know it is her. Even though she is the only one to blame for that.

"NO ONE can know that I am here tonight! I am here undercover for something" What the hell? Undercover? Okay. She said that all quite slurred and a bit slow. It was obviously b/s but whatever.... I went along with it.... I said not to worry and all those things to calm her down. Eventually she reaches into her purse and has something in her hand. Then she whispers "You better be quite"and puts a $10 into the front pocket of my blazer.  Alright everything before this was fucking weird but seriously. Why?! What?! I am trying so hard not to curse as I try to keep this clean but I am so full of confusion that the only way I can express myself is by yelling and cursing. I was extremely happy to accept it but I was still completely confused as to why she did it in the way she did. So after that she finally left and went on her way.

THEN. THEN. About an hour later she comes walking by to get on the escalators to get back to the casino floor. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to provoke a freak-out because I had no idea what she would do. Though as she walks by she gets slower as she is about 30-40 feet from me. She begins to slow down her walking with a combination of just pointing at me until she passes me. Literally says nothing. She just slowly walks by while pointing at me. The only thing I can think of is "What the hell is going on?". She finally passed. Went downstairs got drunk and gambled probably. Then the time came and my shift ended and hopefully she isn't back again tomorrow to creep me out. Unless I get more money. That would be cool. It was my first experience with a celebrity in a true setting and it was creepy. Well at least I have a story that makes me slightly more interesting than the kid who just watches Netflix and plays FIFA. I was thinking of saving the money and like framing it but Denny's seems like a much more enjoyable option.

There is only one thing left to do.

Church of the Good Shepherd

Well this past weekend I did something that I don't think I have ever done before in my life. I went to church on my own free-will and by myself. I bet most of you reading this probably still don't believe me. I mean I was, after all, the kid that sat in Philosophy and told the teacher that nothing I couldn't touch actually existed. That meant things like God, love and colors didn't actually exist, half of that was being an asshole teenager and the other half was just messing with the teacher. Most of the stuff I said in that class I didn't believe but it was quite funny just to say. Either way I was not a religious person and at times I was quite frustrated at what was suppose to be my church, the Catholic church.  The things they said or did that I generally disagreed with in almost every way, a perfect example is their stance on same-sex marriage.

Over the past few months though I decided to give religion in general a new chance but on my own terms. I knew I wanted to change from Catholic because their masses were boring, I DREADED going to them as I came close to falling asleep the entire time. I started out researching religions that were not even Christian denominations such as Islam and Buddhist but I found those too different for me to fully support, they had some great parts of them but not what I believe. Granted the fact I grew up Catholic probably resulted in it hard for me to believe in religions that are so different. So I went back and started to look at religions such as Lutheran, Methodist and Protestant. I started with Lutheran but I was kind of turned off as they believe "we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from the works of the Law" which is quote taken right from the Bible and appears several times but mainly Romans 3:28. I can't say I really agree with that because I don't think it comes down to exactly what you believe but more in how you act. Now considering two (Methodist and Lutheran) of the religions I named are a form of one of them (Protestant), they all generally believe in that quote but others to a lesser extent. Though as I explored Methodism it seemed that your good deeds in this world are rather things that help you become "forgiven" which is similar to what Catholics say but they seem to replace forgiven with justified. Either way that is what I have gotten from my research so lets hope what I read wasn't complete b/s.

So anyways like I said I went to church on Sunday after a month or so of researching and reading about different religions, the church that I went to was a Methodist church. To me it was very easy to fit in with their celebration, they don't call it a mass and I don't actually know what they would call it? Worship would seem the simplest so let us go with that. Their worship was very enjoyable to watch and eventually join in with, the songs are more lively and creates a better atmosphere. I had several people come up to me, noticing I was new, and introducing themselves which made me feel welcome in a place I had never been. Aside from 3 year old pre-school. Funny how 16 years later I am back there isn't it? I also enjoyed the idea that communion is not celebrated every mass and they don't believe the bread turns into Jesus' actual skin and wine to blood but it is more of a representation. Either way I really enjoyed the experience of going to church but I still have a lot to figure out if Methodism is for me or if another religion is, or none at all. A big issue I mentioned earlier, same-sex marriage, is something that I am still disappointed in but seems impossible to find any religion that supports it. Methodists are split it seems but are at least further along than Catholics. Many Methodist Church's have supported inclusion of homosexuals but still restrain them from things such as sacraments or being a minister. I really doubt I will find a perfect religion, just like I will never fully agree with any presidential candidate.

I kind of feel like George Sr. but hopefully it doesn't take me getting sent to prison to pick up a religion. I also hope that religion will never be Judaism.

I don't read thick books.

So I just got around to reading John Green's latest book The Fault In Our Stars and yet again he delivers with an amazing book that is up there next to Looking For Alaska. The book came out in 2012 so it is still fairly new but I 100% recommend this book to anyone. It is a book full of great characters, situations and quotes. There are a lot of quotes that I pick out from his novels but  I think this is the one that stuck out to me the most.

"The marks humans leave are too often scars."

Too me it was powerful because how many times do people come into our lives and try to make a difference, to try and make your life better but end up leaving you with a scar. What it really comes down to is that generally people enter  your lives for personal gain, and who can really judge them? Everyone wants to be happy. Though sometimes people forget that they are actually dealing with human beings. I am sure I left my scars on people by accident but I have learned from my mistakes and improved, it seems no one else wants to do that.

The easiest way to see this is in relationships. Generally it seems people want to get into them so they have someone, rather than to actually be with that specific person. I get it, I see why people would do that but don't you think that is unfair to that person? What about when you get bored or meet someone new? It is bound to happen. When I see the person I like all I want to do is do things for that person at my own expense. I don't expect things from that person because they aren't there to do things for me. When you get into something for yourself, you are bound to leave someone with a scar. Like I said I have done it before but if you are going to get involved deeply in someone's life, do it for the right reasons. Though with this, people shouldn't freak out when they are hurt by someone, people make mistakes. Another great quote from the book explains it quite perfectly “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.” 

Sometimes I feel extremely cheesy writing posts like this but shit, some people still go about this daily. I really doubt this will get to the eyes of more than 20 people at max nor will it change anything. I just need to get material from somewhere don't I?

This book was phenomenal, just like Looking For Alaska was and I encourage everyone to buy it. There is a lot of great quotes and meaning you can take out of this book. I picked my copy up at Barnes & Noble for like $15, it would of been $10 but I got the collectors edition. Who knew I could read?

Good Grief

Everybody loses someone in some way, shape or form and that is just a fact of life. I have had several people walk out on me, most of them I am 200% happy they are gone but some sting whether it is a friend or a family member. Well for me the regret takes the form of missed chances and someone I almost forgot but it is too late to do anything about it. The other day I visited my Grandpop's grave who was buried after he passed away on Veteran's Day in 2011, so almost a year and a half ago. This is the first time I had visited since he was initially buried there, I had told myself I would go out there for his birthday and the one year anniversary of his death (Would those even be called anniversaries? I am not celebrating anything) but I guess I never made room nor did I actually want to go. Which I find weird because I was never really close with my Grandpop while he was around, we still had our memories but it seemed as I grew older the less I saw of him. I use to help my Mother clean his house years ago and we use to still see him randomly when we would go out to eat but that became less and less frequent as I grew up. I mean I could easily blame my environment and ask why did no one invite him anywhere but honestly why the fuck didn't I? Why wasn't I a better grandson and go out and visit him? Those things never crossed my mind while he was still around but it became the classic case of you want what you  can't have. As he passed away those are the things I started to ask myself. I think the hardest thing about it was visiting him while he was in the hospital because you could tell he was happy to see me. He was unable to speak at the time but he grabbed my hand which is something he didn't do to anyone else in the room. Which just struck as like why me? Why my hand? Why not your daughters? It was kind of just a moment where I realized what I meant to him but also a moment where I realized I let someone who cared about me question whether or not I truly cared about him. You could say well you where there while he was in the hospital so that proves you care but it shouldn't take someone to be hospitalized for you to show you care.

I visited him on Friday and I guess it was suiting that it was raining that day. It was a bit weird going there considering how long it had been since I last visited him and how different my life was. I sat there and caught him up on my life, what I had accomplished and where I was going. Or I talked to myself, whichever you choose to believe. I brought some pennies and left them on a bench that was dedicated to him as he use to collect them, he had a collection on that bench from other family members leaving them as well. It was weird but it was nice that I finally visited his grave after so long but it is still hard to shake the feeling of missed chances and a missed relationship.

All these thoughts aren't anything new to me and they are something I have been juggling since he passed away. I like to think it helped change me to be a better person, to someone who is less selfish. Now I like to think I am someone that takes care of my friends and family, as someone who lets others know how much they mean to me by just being there for them. It is hard  going away to college and keeping up on staying close with all my friends and family who aren't as easy to contact or see anymore. I like to think that in the past year or so I have really grown closer to my family. I know I will actually go out to eat with my grandmother when she asks me and not just when I went to, I like to think I have started to do things to help out my parents more rather than just for myself. I would try and help my brothers but let us be honest here, Tom is a lost cause and Frank doesn't need any help.

Either way this isn't something I dwell on or lose sleep on as it happened and there is nothing I can really do about it. I have taken what I feel I should of from the situation and I have applied to to make myself a better person. I will always wish I was closer with him but that won't happen so now I will just make sure that I don't have the feeling of missed chances again when someone leaves. The message is pretty simple, take care and don't forget about the people that care about and love you. One day if they leave by choice or for reasons you can't change you might regret it.

Lastly the picture above is my Grandpop while he was in the US Army. Probably about to run over some damn commies.

College had half a day.

What am I doing home already? "Time flies" is a bit of an understatement when you talk about my freshmen year of college. I remember orientation, move in and freshmen week all like it was yesterday. Awkwardly meeting people on my floor who would shape to become some of the best friends I have ever made. My freshmen year was full of some great memories, some of which I probably shouldn't post on the internet. (No, nothing bad mom, it is clearly soda) ... I feel like I had to include that because she is one of the five people who will read this...

I lived in the dorm Hardwick which was connected to Johnson which had a cafeteria at the bottom of it which has an actual name but I don't know anyone that called it anything other than J&H. I think the best part of finishing freshmen year is knowing I will probably never have to eat at J&H again. Hardwick Hall was a traditional style dorm with a communal bathroom. Once you get past the human feces, piss and puke on the bathroom floor it is really a great environment, I still cannot get passed what would posses ANY human being to take a poop on the floor, even if they are intoxicated or on drugs. I am not the most out-going person in the world at first but it really didn't matter because I would leave my door open and people would just come in and introduce themselves. Generally first conversations where the awkward "What classes do you have?" or "Where are you from?" but I think the king of awkward was conversations was my RA who no matter what you said to him would always respond "Hey! How are you doing?". He would say that even if you asked him how his day was first. Either way those conversations started to die as we started to become closer friends. One thing I regret was sticking to myself in the beginning, as groups were forming around me but I was kind of hanging back a bit and not doing much. I was still friendly with everyone on my floor but it took a bit for the friendships to really take off. It took a few months until I met and actually became good friends with the kids who I spent the entire year with.

Is it a bit ironic that the hurricane that destroyed half of my home state was the day that I became good friends with the people I hangout with today? Or do I still fail to grasp the true idea of irony? Anyway. We were locked in our dorms so we brought my TV down to the lobby along with GameCube and played Super Smash Brothers for an insane amount of hours. This resulted in many more hours of playing that game in my room for the next few months. Mario was my character. Why you would think any other character is cooler is beyond me... I generally pick him for every game I get the chance, Mario Party, Mario Kart, you name it.

Either way I had an amazing time at college as I loved where I was at Temple and who I was there with. As the semester grew to a close, I was ready to get going though. I probably missed more work than I should have despite always leaving notes about what is due. At the end all everyone was doing was studying for exams so there wasn't much going on and the night-life of crappy parties at another frat house were getting duller than I can explain. I was ready to go home after a tough semester to see friends and family who I had not seen in forever and be in a familiar place. Almost all of my friends and I got home just about the same week so of course first thing is first. Denny's trip. As always it was great to see all my old friend's at the diner we abused while we were home. The next day I went out to The Wonder Year's pop-up shop and hung-out with Mike Kennedy (Drummer) and Josh Martin (Bassist) from the band and it was a great time. I personally loved Mike's personality, they are all awesome dudes but Mike just brings that extra energy that makes every conversation you have with him a memorable one.

It has been a little over a week now since I have been home and it really has been treating me well so far. I finally have had free time to do different things I had been planning on doing such as running, reading and writing without having school work to finish at the end of the day. I have seen my old friends but more importantly I have made new friends. Right now I feel like I have a perfect mix of the old and the new in my life. The new isn't just coming from college friends either, I am becoming good friends with people who have lived close to me all my life but I never took time to get to know them. I find it a shame I never did it before but better late then never I guess right? I also officially got the job working security at Revel Entertainment in Atlantic City and even though the 11pm-7am shift is going to kill me, I am more than excited to start working. Either way I am in a position to have a better summer than I did last summer and I am excited to see how everything plays out and where I will be in at the end of it. I know right now I love being home but don't worry, give it a few weeks and there will be a blog post about how much I want to go back to Temple.

So last few times I posted a song or a band I recommend so I figured why not switch it up a bit. Right now I am reading Looking For Alaska by John Green for the second time. It is a great read and I recommend it to anyone. I am just about done but I find it funny how it still plays with my emotions despite me already knowing the ending and what is going to happen. It is probably like $10 on amazon.com or even cheaper at Barnes and Noble. I hope you check it out and let me know your opinions of it! I am sure most of you have already read it though as it was published in 2005.

My bad on taking so long between posts but between exams, moving back home, seeing friends and other things I haven't had time to sit down and write this blog. Though I am sure many of you didn't lose sleep over it.

Why are you squeezing me with your body?

So my brother got my Mom flowers so  I guess this means I am obliged to write a blog post about how much I appreciate her now right? Either way every year my Mom gets the double of her birthday on May 10th then Mother's Day, which is good and bad. It must be nice to have your birthday so close to Mother's day but the negative? Well people like me will only give you one gift because that is how cheap people get by.

Either way I still don't understand how my Mom put up with me for 19 years, I guess I am lucky I have a patient Mother who cares about me. Just to be nice she usually denies it but everyone knows I was a little shit as a kid. She was always involved in my life considering she worked at my grade school then worked at my high school, I mean I know I was the best child and she likes me better than Tom and Frank but she did a bad job at hiding it from them. We all know the reason they stopped having children after me is because I am perfect but anyways I am getting off-topic. Though in all seriousness my parents knew how to raise us and taught us lessons that sadly not everyone has been taught and that all comes down to my Mom. As she was the one who was always home as my Dad could be gone for long hours or even days due to his job. Now that I am getting older I am facing different challenges than just getting an A on a test and she always has stood beside me. She always showed it with her random Hallmark cards she would leave me or little motivational books and while they are cheesy it is still nice to know someone cares. Even though as a teenager I didn't always want her help she would still be there for me. It was almost impossible to hide from her when I was feeling down, I guess a mother really does have her instincts. The earlier part of the year had been hard for me but she was always there for me helping me get through a tiny rough patch. Now we have become closer over the past few years, this year she has already gotten me to run two 5Ks with her and a few others from my family and it has been a lot of fun.

Today (Mother's Day) marked the second 5K we have done this year and my mother reached her goal of doing it in less than 35 minutes, it was nice to see knowing all the hard work she had put into reaching her goals. Granted it is a simple goal but seeing it will always give encouragement to others reaching their goals. I hope she enjoyed the day as much as I did. You are the best mother I could ask for and I love you.

Okay my feelings are getting all over the internet and I better stop. I will leave you with a much more epic picture. It is a shout-out to my grandmom who is just an overall badass straight out of South Philly. I mean just look at the picture below you, how is that not badass?